Has anybody seen my boom wax?

How do you spell 2.0?

As anyone with even the remotest knowledge of the [finger quotes] information superhighway [close finger quotes] will tell you, the Internet’s streets are paved with gold and its walls and ceilings are covered with surprisingly affordable, high-quality pornography that downloads in a jiffy!  If a jamoke’s going to make a quick buck anywhere on this crazy, mixed-up planet of ours, that’s where he’ll make it.

That said, consider this… I’ve been riding the crest of the Great Blog Boom for almost – what? – like a whole day now.  “Jeezum Crow, Mike,” I can hear you say. “That’s some pretty fabulous crest riding you’re doing, and you’ve got a pretty fabulous blog right there to show for it!  No wonder you’re more popular and better looking than all the other kids!”  True enough, and it is pretty fabulous, but I have to admit it: I’m vexed.

“Why in the world is a pretty fabulous guy like you all vexed up, Mike?”  That was you again, and none too soon.  I’ll tell you why.  I haven’t made a single solitary cent from this pretty fabulous blog in the whole twenty-something hours it’s been in operation.

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t been physically blogging for every one of these past 23 hours.  I mean, really, how could I?  A man has needs.  He needs time to eat, to rest, to drink hydrating fluids, to leaf through glossy magazines that are unrelated to his profession, to pretend to work and to wonder how really fat people have sex while – and this is important – trying very hard to not visualize it.  This is only natural and right.  Still, Bill Gates, who doesn’t even pretend to work anymore, makes about $800 a minute, which is nearly what a union electrician makes on Sundays.

So where does this leave a jamoke like me? Frightened. Lonely. Confused. But you can help. “How, Mike?”  Hang on.  I’m getting to that. I know for a fact that over the course of its very short lifespan, Hudson Knows Best has educated, amused enlightened, uplifted and otherwise enriched the lives of some six or seven people, some of whom are not even related to me.  By blood.  And if each of those six or- “Excuse me, Mike?”  SHUT UP!  FOR THE LOVE OF THE BLOOD OF CHRIST, WILL YOU SHUT UP!

If each of those six or seven people would SUBSCRIBE to Hudson Knows Best by mousing eastward and clicking on those oh-so technosexy “RSS Posts” and “RSS Comments” buttons – just below “RSS? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?” – I’ll be well on my way to internet fame and immortality.  “ But Mike?”  SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

So then, those six or seven people tell six or seven other people, and those people tell other people, and so on, and so on, and so on, before you know it you’ve got a whole exponential multi-level marketing Faberge shampoo commercial kind of a thing going on.  Then, after about a week, if each of those millions of people sends me $1 – PayPal only, please – I’ll be all set for the better part of the year.

Okay, I’ve got some really fat people to think about and you’ve got calls to make and things to do before next week, so let’s call it a day.  Last one out, get the lights.


~ by The 1955 Hudson on March 18, 2010.

7 Responses to “Has anybody seen my boom wax?”


    Your peculiar obsession with shampoo commercials could completely derail this short lived experiment in digital living!

    Are you crazy? Are you tweeting too much with [NAME DELETED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT]? Get off this weird and self destructive fetish before it eats you alive!

    By the way, I’m growing my hair. Which shampoo is best to help relax curly dry hair?

    • I recommend CHI Nourish Silk Shampoo Intense Hydrating Hair Bath. And it’s not “shampoo.” It’s a “hair product.” Jesus.

      • GUESS WHO?

        I tried that product and found that my curls, while marginally looser, were undeterred by the hydrating agent in the ‘secret’ formula.
        In fact, by 3:30 pm or so, there was no measurable difference between results from the CHI product and a Sauve product costing a small fraction of the price. To prove my point, I shampooed this side of my head with…

  2. Thanks very much for the update. You realize, of course, that these communications go directly to the blog, right?


    Okay, now I need you to take a real deep breath, hold it … now verrry slowly let it out … there you go.

    One more time … [humming the title track from Mein Kampf in 2/4] … that’s a good boy. Better?

    Now, take your underpants off your head and go out in the yard with the rest of the kids – try and stay out of the sun for an hour or so.

    Agnes Virgilio

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