Why settle for washboard abs?

Go from FAT to FIT… with AD-ABS!

My very good friend, Kevin Bacon.

My very good friend, Kevin Bacon. Photo courtesy of my very good friend, Tomdog.

It seems like I can’t hardly go on an extravagant gift-buying spree with my very good friend, Kevin Bacon – seen to the right, accepting his 2006 VGFM (Very Good Friend of Mike) Award in Los Angeles – without some dusty shopkeeper snatching at the hem of my garment and bleating “Tell me, Mike, how in the world do you stay so deliciously fit and Tupac-ripped when your idea of a hip-hop cardio workout is a nostril flare?  What’s your secret?”

Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists who chew gum!

That’s right, the secret is ADVERTISING!  With a sensible diet of advertising and pablum, You Can Go From That to This in No Time! Look, by now the public is sufficiently wellness-conscious to realize that it’s vital to consult an Advertising Professional before embarking on any course of medical treatment, and the same holds true for any fitness regime. Why?  Because if you’re within the sound of my voice, the life you save may be your own, a mind is a terrible thing to waste and the quality goes in before the name goes on.  And only you can prevent forest fires.

But wait! There’s more!

Consider the açai berry, until about a half-hour ago a humble Brazilian fruit which, according to Wikipedia, is ‘a small, round, black-purple drupe about 1-inch (25 mm) in circumference, similar in appearance but smaller than a grape but with less pulp, [and] produced in branched panicles of 500 to 900 fruits.’  Excuse me?  “Drupe?”  “Branched panicles?”

An acai palm.

An açai palm. Note the druples and panticles, or whatever the hell they are. Photo courtesy of my very good friend, Decio Horita Yokota.

M’m! M’m! Good!  M’m! M’m! Good!

“So what you’re saying, Mike, is that açai berries are pretty much smallish, protein rich, Brazilian grape-like-things that form a major component of the diet – up to 42% of the total food intake by weight in fact – of Brazilian Rainforest dwellers.  Is that right?”  Well, you tossed in some stuff of your own there, but essentially, yes.  “So, to clarify, Mike, there’s nothing especially wondrous or amazing about yon berries, correct?”  Nothing whatsoever, bub.

Helps build strong bodies, 12 ways!

“Did Wikipedia have anything else to say about açai berries, Mike?” OMG yes!  They practically won’t shut up about the things. Have a look at this:  ‘Recently, the açai berry has been marketed as a dietary supplement. Companies sell açaí berry products in the form of tablets, juice, smoothies, instant drink powders, and whole fruit.

Marketers of these products make claims that açaí provides increased energy levels, improved sexual performance, improved digestion, detoxification, high fiber content, improved skin appearance, improved heart health, improved sleep, and reduction of cholesterol levels.’

“So those really are some super berries!”  Um, no.  ‘Quackwatch noted that “açaí juice has only middling levels of antioxidants—less than that of Concord grape, blueberry, and black cherry juices, but more than cranberry, orange, and apple juices.’ And you know what else?  The US has been gobbling up so many of these bad boys that there’s a shortage of them – and remember, they are an important food source – down Amazon way.  Now that’s marketing!

An açai grove.

An açai grove. Photo courtesy of my very good friend, some anonymous German guy.

It’s the right thing to do.

“So, advertising is bad, right Mike?”  OH NO YOU DIT-INT!  You’re missing the point entirely.  What I’m saying is, thanks to The Miracle of Modern Advertising, plain-vanilla, humdrum, garden variety things are magically transformed into Revolutionary!  All New!  Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman things!  It’s alchemy!  It gives sight to the blind, makes straight the crooked, casts out devils, makes the deaf to hear, the lame to walk, and the dumb to speak and shit.

Look what Vic Tanny did for me!

This post will be completed shortly, and with a bang-up ending, too, pending a photo permission request.  In the meantime, you may reach me at Murray Hill 7-0700. That’s Murray Hill 7-0700. MU7-0700. Out of town, call collect. Operators are standing buy.


~ by The 1955 Hudson on March 21, 2010.

2 Responses to “Why settle for washboard abs?”

  1. Excellent, all ’round. Thanks for a great read! 🙂

  2. You’re too kind. Thanks very much, you friend of Ian’s, you.

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